Misunderstood

I became immune to the looks of disapproval and allowed them to completely consume my thoughts. The ill formed opinion that others had of my life would soon dictate the way I saw myself. I assumed my worth based on someone else's ignorance. An uneducated opinion can cause people, especially young and immature people, to behave in an ugly manner and say hurtful things. Sometimes, often times, kids are a product of their environment and only repeat what they hear. I didn't know that I could prove them wrong until the damage to my spirit was done... I was misunderstood.

Do you ever wish you could go back and tell your younger self "it's going to be ok?"

Being raised by a single Mom made me stand out compared to all the other kids. Showing up to Church every other week smelling like cigarettes made my brother and I different and labeled as "troubled." I don't know what it would be like to grow up with a Mom and Dad in the home but I do know that my Angel of a Mother more than made up for my Dad's absence. I sometimes feel that I didn't do enough to thank her for protecting me from other peoples unfair assumptions and constantly living under scrutiny for choices that were out of her control. She too was misunderstood.

I am so thankful to see how the Apostolic Pentecostal Church has progressed since I was a little girl. So much of my childhood molded me into the Pastors Wife that I am today. I am motivated when I see a single Mom walk through the doors of my Church. I know that God placed me in this position to encourage, inspire and empower those lonely Mothers or Fathers and children to keep moving forward. I can be the light and support they need when life keeps knocking them down. I can educate other people in our congregation on their unique set of circumstances. We as the church can let them know that they are not alone.

There's a still small voice that whispers in my spirit: "Never forget where you came from."

I remind myself to be observant and remove the blinders that being busy has placed on my eyes. I teach my children that there are kids that don't have a safe and peaceful home like they do. I stress the importance of kindness and understanding that sometimes parents make bad choices which negatively affect their children. We can't fault a blameless, helpless child for circumstances beyond their control.

There isn't any level we can rise to that will prevent us from hardships and heartaches. Remembering that, gives us a certain compassion towards others who struggle. God can manifest himself in the most peculiar ways just when we feel like we are losing our grip. I faced challenges as a child that I thought would disappear when I grew up. As an adult, I find that those uneducated opinions that work against you and attempt to break you are as present as ever.

From the moment that I spoke the words "I'm answering God's call on my life," the devil has been out to destroy me. More specifically, since I announced that I had written a book and was in the process of having it published, he has tried to annihilate me. I was so close to putting it all down and honestly questioning if I missed God. I have fought one battle after another since the end of December and with each one came another layer of uncertainty.

Am I qualified God? Are you still with me God? Why God?

Just yesterday, I had a moment while I was alone in my car, driving down country back roads. I was listening to my Prayer Playlist and I felt a Holy boldness come over me. Right then, with tears streaming down my face, I made a declaration loud and clear to the devil...

You will not defeat me! Haven't you learned by now that I am a fighter? Your road blocks may slow me down but you will never stop me. You no longer control my life. You have taken so much from me and maybe you will take more. Maybe you will turn people against me in an effort to steal my confidence? Today, I want you to hear me say that I will not give up. I will not stop. Even when I am misunderstood and wrongfully accused, I will stand firm with Jesus on my side. I will tear down every wall you try and build against me. I am not scared of you but I know you fear me. You see what I am capable of doing to your nasty, unfair and unjust Kingdom so you seek to devour my gifts and my confidence. You will not win!

The healing experienced by getting into the word of God cannot be compared to any other treatment. There is something about good authentic gospel music that speaks directly to my soul! I felt a peace rush over me in that moment. I felt strong and courageous. My "why's" may go unanswered. I may have to put in extra work to rebuild my spiritual confidence. I trust that no matter how hard it may be, God is in every room I walk in. He is present through every conflict I face. He is the strength that I cannot gain on my own.

I was asking all the wrong questions. I had already made up my mind that I had come too far to turn back. God was certainly with me preparing me for what He had prepared for me. Battles aren't just given to the strong and when they come, God has given us the promise that He will never leave us or forsake us. If we endure to the end, His blessings will surely flow. I chose to find the lesson hidden in the trial. No matter what form my battle comes in, I trust that He is ordering my steps.

I know I say it a lot but.... Don't stop! You've come too far to give up!

Make up your mind to keep moving forward, even when everything in life seems to be against you. The only solace we have when we are barely surviving is the name of Jesus. He is the hope that makes our trials bearable. When you are misunderstood and the world around you is moving in fast motion but you are standing still trying to make sense of it all... Trust in Him.

Psalm 27:14 says "Wait on the Lord; Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say on the Lord."

Giving my heart completely to God gave me the confidence to embrace all my differences. It gave me the healing I needed to be who He designed me to be. Find joy in the middle of the chaos and follow God's will for your life. Free yourself from the responsibility of changing the mindset of those working against you. Fitting in is overrated.... Stand out as a child of God! He too was often misunderstood.

XO -Denisha