I'm still here
Wow! I can’t believe it’s been almost a year since I sat down to write anything! I kept telling myself to write a blog but I just couldn’t. I’ve been told that in order to stay relevant as an author, you have to show up on Social Media… So, it’s quite possible that no one is reading this but just in case and just for me I’m going to share my heart once again.
My life has been a series of unexpected heartache since 2019 and I needed to find that space to breathe. Then somewhere a long the way, I stopped believing that I could. I did exactly what I tell girls not to do, I placed my worth and ability in someone else’s hands!
Have you ever been stuck? Unable to connect your heart, mind and soul… Just stuck? That’s where I have been so, I took the time I needed to just breathe.
Not everyone understands that need and it’s not necessary for everyone but in order to thrive, I needed it! Focussing on my boys, watching them become amazing in their own ways and leaning on my husband (possibly too much) is where I found mental rest. I found it challenging to speak into someone else’s life when I felt so broken but still I pushed and fought my way to the surface where God met me every single day and that is where I found spiritual rest!
It’s so very important that we stay in tune with our bodies and what they need. Even those who lead need space to breathe! Giving myself grace to recharge and reconnect with Gods call on my life was essential!
I love to play the piano…. I’m not that great but it is peaceful to me, especially when I’m alone and can turn my songs into prayers. There is an unexplainable joy that fills the rooms of my house when I play and pour my heart out to God.
This morning I was playing “The Anchor Holds”… Yes, I know it’s from the 90’s and probably an acquired taste but the words just speak to me and I feel like I’m 9 sitting on a Church pew listening to my Uncle sing!
As I was singing and letting my mind go numb to my list of tasks and turning off the noise of doubt… I got to the second verse. The words came out and though I didn’t write them, it felt like my heart was speaking out to God the truth of where I have been.
“I’ve had visions. I’ve had dreams. I’ve even held them in my hand but I never knew they would slip right through like they were only grains of sand.”
See, since publishing my book in 2019, I’ve been in a fog… One heartbreak after another. I have been failing this new test of grief when at the same time, I was trying to help people see their own grief through a different lens!
I sat weeping at my piano this morning… Praying for God to restore my dreams… Restore my vision… Begging for strength and confidence… I prayed that never again would I disconnect and lose faith in who I am because of someone else’s opinion of me!
My hands shook as I continued playing though unable to sing…
I asked God to renew me once again and keep me grounded in Him regardless of what life brings so that I can hold my God sized dreams once again in my hands.
“The anchor holds thought the ship is battered. The anchor holds though the sails are torn. I have fallen on my knees as I faced the raging seas. The anchor holds in spite of the storm.”
My sails are tattered and torn. My life is imperfect. I have a story of pain, fear, rejection and self-doubt but it was in those dark times…
“In the storms of my life where God proved His love to me.”
I am so thankful for the life I have. I am thankful for every painful life lesson that I have endured. They have made me who I am and given me a reason to sing.
I am still here. I am still standing. I am ready to move forward and share the goodness of God with my friends once again. Life is full of season and I look forward to sharing mine with you! See you soon.
